he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
