You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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