I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
