I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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