So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Randomize
