I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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