So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
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