I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Randomize
