I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
When are your genitals available?
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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