So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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