i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
