Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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