I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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