Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
