It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Are my feet made of real feet?
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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