last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
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