YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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