Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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