Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
you will always have a special place in my vag
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
