So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
