Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Randomize
