i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Randomize
