My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
worst night to have a conscience
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
