I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Randomize
