hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
