So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
