My room smells like vodka and shame
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
i wish my penis had a tongue
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
