He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I enjoy the company of your penis
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
