My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
you made out with another girl for some wings
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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