no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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