I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
