You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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