We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
