There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
You brought string cheese to the strip club
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
