I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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