My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
too bad you live with your parents still
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Randomize
