Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
