Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
