Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
