I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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