I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I want to be your penis for a week.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Randomize
