I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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