He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize