At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
i dont even know how to be here
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
