feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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