I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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