god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
