the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
She told me I should be a condom model.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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