trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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