So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Someone came in the potted fern
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
