Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
