I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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