I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
