i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
