I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
