I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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