he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Randomize
