Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
